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| did that one catch your attention?
figured it would.
let me set the scene for you.
were all at the apartment hangin with the guys, me and my girl decide to stay the night. its definately not the first time thats happened. but here we go with some firsts:
my girl decides shes gonna sleep in his bed. when i say his, i mean mine. thats where i sleep. every time. hes mine. not technically, but close enough. sorry to be blunt, but is she fucking him? didnt think so. i leave the room and im pissed. she apparently starts up a convo with him about yours truly. about how im gonna be there for him no matter what happens (because yes, as always, its a little more difficult than "i like you, you like me, lets be together"). this is true, but its not something him and i discuss openly, well we did once. but we were both smashed and this was also the first night me and him became "friends". so she texts me, i text her, she leaves the room. me and him are now laying in bed together, like usual. hes texting his friend, im laughing at their ridiculous jokes. he puts his arm around me, kisses my cheek, and then kisses me on the lips. normal, right? no way. far from it, actually. hes the type that gets shit done, or as him and his bff put it, "do work". hes not the sweet, cuddly, kissy type. well he is, just never with me. but that night, he was. and dear lord, it threw me off guard. so one thing leads to another and now were doin the nasty. thats when he says it.
"ya know, you get treated a lot better than most girls do in bed."
WHAT THE FUCK!?
yeah, thats basically what went through my head. but not my lips, i was cool, calm, and collected.
"oh really, and how is that?", expecting that sweet answer that all girls hope for about how i mean something to him and im not just a fuck and he really cares.
but of course, he cant be straight forward and tell me whats on his mind. instead, i get
"ill just let you think about that one"
again,
WHAT THE FUCK!?
im not quite sure why men feel the need to beat around the bush so much. arent they supposed to be the upfront, no bullshit sex? women are the ones who never say what we feel and always act weird and crazy. what kind of alter universe am i living in?
there is nothing i want more than to meet a guy who can be honest with me about everything hes feeling. tell me what you think of me, tell me if youre hurting, tell me if youre falling in love with me. i want to know. even if its not what i want to hear, i want to know. not knowing is the worst, and every girl agrees with me there. im sorry, but i dont want to think about it. i just want to know!
so now, due to his bullshit, lets list the things running through my head at 3:55 am.
1. what did he mean by "treated better"? like he does more? and why? does he care? or does he just know the extra effort will be worth it?
2. i cant stress it enough, does he care? because i cant tell. in bed, he shows very little emotion. outside the bedroom, i see even less. the only emotion i can ever catch is when he just looks me in the eyes. he doesnt realize it, but sometimes i see a little glimmer of adoration in his eyes. those are my favorite moments, when i know that it may seem as though im being ignored, he really is noticing.
3. youll let me think about it? no. i wont think about it. because when i do think about it, crazy blogs full of ranting come into existence. why cant you tell me? are you scared? will i be pissed if its not what i think it is?
4. he kissed me, on the cheek. and the forehead. he put his arm around me and wanted me to cuddle up to him. heNEVER wants that. he never kisses me like that. it was totally different. was it because of what she said? is it because hes finally realizing its okay to let go around me?
5. does he even comprehend how much i care about him? regardless of what happens with this situation, i will be there no matter what. thats just the way i am. we are friends, first and foremost and that will never change.
ps: the "glimmer of adoration" could very well be a figment of my imagination. but sometimes when im singing him his favorite song (which he made me learn so i could sing to him), he will glance at me and it almost seems like he lets his guard down for just a second and i can see inside him. those are the moments i cherish more than any other with him.
pps: is it gay that i just wrote an entire entry on the events of last night? im sure ill hear about it later but guess what, i dont care. i made this thing so i could let out what is on my mind. i need to be able to vent somewhere and i obviously cant trust my friends. actually, scratch that. its not even trust. i just dont feel as though they care. and yeah, the virtual world has no heart or feelings, but its a place i can release everything thats eating me alive from the inside out without being insulted or belittled.
ppps: no, im not in love with him. not even close. looking back, that may be what it looks like if you dont know the situation. i do like him, and i do care a whole hell of a lot about him. but mostly, this was just a psa to men everywhere to say tell us what the fuck youre thinking. were women, and we do a lot of cool things, but we cant read minds. even if sometimes we have an uncanny ability to tell when youre lying, we cant tell what youre true feelings are.
3 hours of sleep, here i come.
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| starting from scratch, once again.
"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know."- E. Hemingway
do what makes you happy and fuck the rest -christopher kluever.
Trust in no one but yourself -keith jobe
people suck -kelly kirkpatrick
what really matters in your life are the people you surround yourself with. -kelly kirkpatrick, after she realized what the actual question was.
it is the journey that makes destination so worthwhile -josh pozner
do what you love and fuck the rest! -savanah mease
Success is only the outcome of a string of failures. -ryan holt
its funny that so many took this as an opportunity to give advice. they arent necessarily true sentences, just things they believe that they thought i could learn from. or maybe not. maybe these are things they try to live by, therefore they believe that they are the truest sentences. im not sure which is factual. what i do know is that every single sentence is something almost everyone can agree with but something few actually live by. its weird how easy it was for these people to think of their responses. although this is a quote i have known for quite a while, ive never been able to really come up with a good answer. maybe thats a peek of my inner hatred at making decisions, because of fear of the wrong one. i guess that would explain a lot of the fucked up thoughts in my head currently. but thats not the point. i saw an episode of community where the debate team was arguing whether man was good or evil. although, at the time i thought the right answer was evil by far (kelly would obviously agree), as i look at the answers from these people of different ages from different places and different walks of life, i realize that most of these answers are actually optimistic. man is good. we want the best for not only ourselves but for others. we want people to see the good in others and for people to understand that not everything is going to work out the way we planned. still, i wonder, if everyone sees this so clearly when asked about it then why are so many people in bad moods so often? we take so much for granted and we dont take the proper time out of our day to thank God (or whoever) for what He (or she) has given us. Kelly, for instance, has a job that directly deals with people. customers come out regularly to spend money and tip her, she has a loving boyfriend, loving friends, and a family that loves her more than we could put into words but yet her quote is "people suck". people, in general, dont realize how good they have it. we constantly think about what could be better instead of realizing how blessed we are for what we have. i know i can admit to doing it almost daily. ive been in a slump for the past few days and i have been thinking of how much my current situation blows. but im healthy, have great friends, have an awesome family, and am in the prime of my life (or so they say). maybe i should take these people's advice myself and really look hard at what im doing with my life.
ugh. easier said than done. i have no idea what im doing with my life. i have no idea what im doing, period. everythings a mess, i dont know what to do, i dont know where to go from here, basically i just dont know. i guess thats normal, but thats not too comforting.
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